It was hard to do anything that normal people do. I couldn’t talk in front of a class, I couldn’t go into any business to order food or ask where something is or ask for a job application because I felt like all eyes were on me judging me like I was an idiot or like I had a highly contagious disease. I would hear people’s voices saying mean things about me that weren’t even there. I still can’t really make phone calls to make my own doctor’s appointments or to ask customer service a question. I couldn’t speak to people I loved and cared about the way I wanted to because I felt like everything that was coming out of my mouth was too loud or too quiet, like I stuttered or I wasn’t speaking English. Like they would ignore me and not care. Like I was moving too fast or I wasn’t at that level of communication with them yet and they would think I was stupid. Like they would turn their back on me and hate me forever for what I said or did. Relationships with anyone are so mind-numbingly difficult. Everything around me felt like a monster ready to grab me by my ankles and pull me to hell. It was constant heart palpitations, breathing difficulties and having to lie to my teacher and tell them I was going to the bathroom to excuse myself from class to cry or throw up. I was never completely sure whether anyone actually cared about me or if they wouldn’t notice if I got hit by a bus. I was never sure that anything I said or did wouldn’t cost me a friendship, a relationship, a career in the future or get me expelled from school. It was a nightmare.
Thank you :) Yes, I’ve struggled with it for a long time but I’ve gotten waaaay better at coping with it than I used to be.